10/29/2020

A Controversial Ranking of the Mary-Kate and Ashley films

I had big plans for how I was going to spend my brief 2-week semester break before I started back at university over summer; make homemade pasta, learn piano, do some yoga, etc. Instead, I’ve spent the first 5 days sitting at my computer writing a fucking blog post about Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. Did I anticipate that it was going to take me so long? No. But 11 movies and however many hours down, and here we are.

Mary-Kate and Ashley have grown into something of an enigma. They have no social media accounts, they do just two interviews a year that are almost exclusively about their high-end fashion label, The Row, and most of their direct-to-DVD films are slowly disappearing from the shelves of retailers and are now going for around $50 a pop on eBay and Amazon. Their films have gradually become a novelty to own, and I fear that over time, the greater population will forget all about their international adventures and on-screen teen love affairs, leaving nothing behind except some pop culture references and a few hundred Pinterest images to remember them by.

But I’m sorry, Mary-Kate and Ashley, I won’t go quietly. As an avid consumer of your films, TV-shows, and even a couple of your computer games, I feel as though it is my duty to share my thoughts and feelings about your films while I still remember them. So for the past 5 days, I’ve been slaving away and sitting through hours and hours of Mary Kate and Ashley’s movies in an attempt to review and rank them as accurately as humanly possible, losing thousands of brain cells in the process.

Naysayers told me that it couldn’t be done. But like so many times before, I proved them wrong. So without further ado, here is my controversial review and ranking of Mary Kate and Ashley’s 11 feature films.

11th /11 (tie)
Winning London

The Plot: As it was eloquently described in an iTunes review, “Olsen twins head to international competition, pursue boys." That’s pretty spot on. 
Putting it bluntly, I hated this movie. The guys? Borderline. The comedy? Non-existent. Not to mention that it was probably the least exciting storyline of the entire film series. The only thing saving this movie was the clothes. Otherwise, I have nothing good to say about it. 
Also, I can’t help but question why they had the same names as their characters from their TV show, So Little Time, but the actors...swapped? Why would you do that? Who thought that would be a good idea? These are the questions that haunt me.

Highlight of the film: The tie-dye/plaid bell-bottom jeans. What possessed them to wear them? Why do I secretly love them?

Lesson Learned: To never waste your time on this movie.

11th /11 (tie)
When in Rome

The Plot: The girls get fired from a fashion internship in Rome after a series of mishaps, and then are randomly rehired by the CEO of the company who at one point jets them off to his beachfront villa for some R+R. This quickly becomes a mystery, and they eventually save the day with roller-skates. I think that’s all you need to know.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen this film rated highly on any sort of list. Whilst it is arguably the most terrible film I have ever watched, it didn’t fill me with the same sort of fiery rage that Winning London did, hence the draw. But believe me when I say that I would never watch it again, because let's be honest - if I really wanted to watch a movie about adventures in Rome and young love with a guy named Paolo, I’d just watch the Lizzie McGuire movie.

Highlight of the film: The end credits

Lesson learned: I didn't learn a thing. I don't even understand what I just watched.

9th /11

Kicking Goals

The Plot: Sam (Mary-Kate) is a star soccer player and loves sports, whereas Emma (Ashley) is more girly and enjoys fashion and make-up. Cue the typical tomboy/girly-girl trope that the Olsen twins are famous for. Then much to his dismay, their ultra-competitive father is pressured by his wife to pick Emma for his championship-winning team, leaving Sam to be picked up by the opposing ("loser") team known as the Buzzards. But like every good Olsen movie, the girls secretly swap places.

First of all, their dad was kind of infuriating. He is pathologically competitive and treated Emma like a second-rate citizen just because she didn't like to kick a ball. 
Additionally, the entire league treated the Buzzard's like a joke. But I'm sorry, pizza at training? Are you kidding? Only in my wildest dreams. I hope my cheerleading coach takes note. 
Finally, the major climax of the film was Emma being swapped in as goalkeeper in the grand final with a MINUTE left and ended up blocking the kick, which left both of their teams tied and they SHARED the win, because apparently there was just no possibility for overtime... Sure.

Ultimately, it's just another mid-tier Mary Kate and Ashley movie.

Highlight of the film: 11-year-old Michael Cera giving the performance of his life as a kid buying a pair of cleats. 

Lessons learned: You can enjoy soccer AND wear dresses

8th /11
It Takes Two

The Plot: Two girls from very different lives end up (literally) running into each other at the same summer camp, only to realise that they’re identical. Sound familiar? That’s because I've basically just described The Parent Trap, except in this movie, they're not twins. In fact, they're not even related. They're just...completely identical strangers..? Dare I say It Takes Two is a poor man’s The Parent Trap? I do. I do dare.
Does that mean it’s not good? Of course not. It was a wholesome movie, and the girls get extra points for being adorable. But despite some of the obvious differences, it was just too hard to not compare it to Lindsay Lohan's arguably better film that came out two years later.  

I think if you grew up watching It Takes Two, you'll have some sort of emotional or sentimental connection to it. But I didn't. So objectively, it just doesn't deserve to be any higher. And I'm not sorry about it.

Highlight of the film: Mary Kate’s character Amanda and her sometimes questionable (but always cute) New York accent won the show for me. 

Lesson learned: Lindsay Lohan did it better.

 

7th /11

The Challenge

The Plot: A pair of estranged twins coincidentally end up on the same team on a survivor-esque reality TV-show, and they have to learn to put their differences aside and work together as a team in order to win college scholarships. 
The concept of a reality TV-show setting as a film was pretty revolutionary back in 2003, and Son's of Anarchy character Juan "Juice" Ortiz has a role in this movie as one of their teammates, which is both cool and super weird. Ultimately, there was nothing bad about this film, but it's not exactly winning any awards, either. It was just meh, or as our good friend Sam from Getting There would say, it was sort of "charcoal."

Highlight of the film: The end scene where some of the twins' boyfriends from past movies and TV-shows show up and begin arguing over who the girls loved more. Iconic moment.

Lesson learned: "Boys may come and go, but we'll always have each other—and that's not just in the movies."

6th /10
Billboard Dad

The Plot: Before Tinder and Hinge, there was a set of 10-year-old twins putting up a billboard in the middle of Sunset Blvd in an attempt to find their widowed father a new girlfriend after their mother passed away two years prior. This movie was pretty fun. It sort of reminded me of a low budget version of Sleepless in Seattle, but for kids. Lonely in Los Angeles, if you will.
The film was super sweet, and for a couple of 10-year-olds, they served so many looks that I've since saved on Pinterest. Was I watching Billboard Dad for the plot or the 90’s fashion? We’ll never really know. 
Whilst they were too young to have any love interests in this film, it did feature a 12-year-old wannabe badass with a denim jacket and a lip piercing, who coincidentally was also the same kid who tried to sabotage the boxcar racer in The Little Rascals. 

Highlight of the film: Those coloured John Lennon sunglasses still look cool and I want a pair ASAP. 

Lesson learned: The Olsen twins are the ultimate wingmen. Remind me who to call if I’m ever single. 

5th /11
Getting There

The Plot: The twins get their driver's licenses, and unlike the rest of us losers sporting Toyota Yarris' and Hyundai i20's, Mary-Kate and Ashley are gifted a Ford Mustang convertible for their 16th birthday. Standard. They then decide to go on a road trip to Utah with a bunch of friends in order to catch the 2004 Salt Lake City Olympics. 
As you can guess, the girls (and guys) face a series of misfortunes along the way, including a couple of blown tires, getting separated at a gas station, and accidentally booking a flight to San Diego instead of San Fransisco. But the most unrealistic part of this movie? The fact that their Ford Mustang got stolen early on in the film, and then RETURNED at the end of the movie because the guy "just wanted to take it out on a test-drive"...? Girls, who the fuck do you think you're fooling?

Honorable mention also goes out to Sam who is easily one of the worst characters in the MK+A franchise. He gets friend-zoned by Mary-Kate within the first 15 minutes, doesn't quite take the hint, and then spends the remainder of the film trying to win her affection. 

Despite all of that, the film is still pretty good.

Highlight of the film: Anything that Toast said

Lesson learned: "It’s called lunch bro. The fifth most important meal of the day” 

 

4th /11
Holiday in the Sun

Whilst it's not exactly taking home any medals, this movie is arguably the most iconic film of the series for so many reasons.

The Plot: Madison (Mary-Kate) and Alex (Ashley) are whisked away by their parents and flown to the five-star Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas via their private jet. Despite originally wanting to spend their winter break in Hawaii surrounded by a gaggle of horny 15-year-old boys, they end up finding some new on-screen boyfriends to occupy themselves with and eventually have a really great time swimming with dolphins and getting involved in an antiquities smuggling ring. You know, just your standard family holiday.
This movie was basically a massive flex on how rich they are and trying to make all of us jealous that we're not riding around on jet ski's or going scuba diving in the Bahamas. And you know what? It fucking worked. 
Also, the soundtrack? Impeccable. Features the songs that we heard in almost every 00s teen movie ever (press here, here, and here if you wanna know what I'm talking about) as well as a performance of Us Against the World by Play, which you will forever associate with either this movie or that episode of Lizzie McGuire. 

Highlight of the film: This was Megan Fox's breakout role, and it basically put her on the map.

Lesson Learned: Astrology is not the same thing as astronomy.

3rd /11
New York Minute

The Plot: Jane is a conscientious student with dreams of winning a scholarship to Oxford University, and Roxi is a delinquent band member who skips school to attend the Simple Plan video shoot (to be honest, I'd ditch school for that too). There's a dead parent, a great adventure around a foreign city, and an eventual sister swap. New York Minute ticked all the requirements of a typical Olsen film. However, there's also a random Taekwondo scene, some shady black market deals, a car chase, and Eugene Levy from Schitt's Creek to keep it interesting.

As for their love interests, between Jared Padalecki from Gilmour Girls and that hot guy that keeps smashing into Jane with his bike, we're pretty spoiled for choice in this one.

Highlight of the film: "As the famous Canadian professor Avril Lavigne-stein once said, and I quote, why’d you have to go and make things so complicated?”

Lesson learned: Just buy the fucking train ticket.

2nd /11
Our Lips Are Sealed

You’re probably wondering, what the fuck is this movie doing above Holiday in the Sun AND New York Minute? That would be a fair question, and two days ago, I would be standing over there with you shaking my fist in the air. But this movie is brilliantly underrated and deserves 2nd place, and I am here to remind you why. 

The Plot: Mary-Kate and Ashley witness a diamond robbery orchestrated by notorious crime lord, Emil Hatchew. As a result, the girls and their parents are placed into the Witness Protection Program where they are provided with new identities and are relocated to Australia. Unfortunately, they're closely followed by two henchmen who have absolutely no idea what they're doing.
Multiple beach parties, an Eastern-European mobster, a pet kangaroo, and a couple of blonde surfer boys that I probably would have had a crush on in primary school - this movie truly has it all. It really makes me think that living in Australia is actually super cool and I’m just doing it wrong. As Mary-Kate once said, "Australia was like one big party. The bad news? We weren’t exactly invited yet.” Yeah, me neither kid. 
My final thoughts? This movie was beautifully orchestrated chaos from start to finish with a storyline so complex that I sometimes couldn't tell if I was watching the Olsen twins or a Martin Scorsese film. *Chef's Kiss*

Special Highlight: I can't decide between Mary-Kate assaulting Emil Hatchew with a boomerang, or the fact that Avery's dad owned Luna Park (I know which guy I'd wanna date).

Lesson learned: In the words of the Olsen twins, “Life’s not about being popular, it’s about being yourself. And that’s fair dinkum”

1st /11
Passport to Paris

Of course, that leaves us with none other than Passport to Paris - the crown jewel of Olsen movies. Are we even a little bit surprised? No. This film is a whimsical love story filled with Vespas, french boys, and turtlenecks. Need I say more?

The Plot: In an attempt to broaden their interests, Melanie and Allyson's parents send their daughters away to Paris for a week to stay with their U.S ambassador grandpa, where they meet two cute boys on Vespa's who whisk them off on a Parisian adventure. Along the way, they befriend an international supermodel named Brigitte who takes them shopping around Paris in her spare time because, you know, I know so many supermodels who become friends with 12 year olds. 
In my opinion, Passport to Paris ticks all the boxes. The fashion is immaculate and goes to prove that Mary-Kate and Ashley were the pioneers of butterfly clips, leather coats, and bucket hats. And that scene where they have a swordfight with breadsticks in front of the Eiffel Tower? Yeah, 21 years later and I'm still jealous.
Most importantly, the on-screen boyfriends in this movie were super cute. If we're being honest, I wanted to get railed by Jean when I was younger. He was the garçon français of my dreams, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't watch this movie before I went to Paris at 14 to mentally prepare myself on what to expect.
Ultimately, Passport to Paris is simply the best. Words really can't describe this masterpiece. Somebody give these girls their Oscar.

Highlight of the movie: When Mary-Kate and Ashley convinced the French Foreign Minister to pass a clean water bill in France. Stylish queens AND political activists - what can't these girls do?

Lessons learned: Always accept rides from strangers if they're french boys on Vespas.

Was this review most likely a colossal waste of my time? Probably. And I'll most likely have nightmares about butterfly clips and spaghetti straps for the rest of my life. But to all my readers, go on and spread the good news that the truth is finally out. I suppose I'll just be here continuing to do the Lord's work.

            - Loz

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7/21/2020

Eat, Pray, Cry: The truth about Personal Growth

As a Melburnian stuck in lockdown, I've had a lot of time over the last few months to binge-watch various films and TV shows that are available on the many streaming services that I pay a subscription to (if you need any ideas, I wrote a post a couple months ago of my top 11 recommendations). My latest victim was the 2010 box-office hit, Eat Pray Love, a romantic drama that follows the journey of a 30-something-year-old woman who, upon finding herself at an emotional crossroads in life following her divorce and failed rebound relationship, decides to leave her job and travel around Italy, India, and Bali in an attempt to "find herself." 

The film bothered me, because as I sat there on my bedroom floor watching Julia Roberts ride off on a boat into the sunset, I felt as though the entire film was bullshitting viewers into believing her personal growth came from running off to Rome for a few weeks and eating her weight in bowls of pasta. Would she have had a good time? Yes, most definitely. I cannot think of any greater experience than eating copious amounts of Italian food until I turn into a giant meatball. But I'd still just be the same meatball that I was before I left, albeit a bit fatter. Instead, the personal growth and sense of self-direction that Julia was searching for started long before she stepped foot into the airport terminal. 

Allow me to explain.

In 2018, I had my own (sort of) international journey of self-discovery. Upon detaching myself from an unhealthy relationship, I ran off to Vietnam with nothing but my suitcase and my passport. Did I do it for the sole intention of finding myself? Of course not. I did it because I was 19 years old, and after what felt like 12 months of treading on eggshells, I felt like a dog who was finally let out of the backyard for the first time. And so I booked my trip with the same intentions that I had when I got my nipple pierced or got the word "PASTA" tattooed on the inside of my lip; I just wanted to do something a bit random and "wild". And because I'm not one to enjoy going on ketamine fuelled benders, or sleep with the entire population of the western suburbs of Melbourne, running off to a third world country seemed like the best option.

In my time spent frolicking around Vietnam, I passed out in a hammock after drinking copious amounts of Jungle Juice. I also fell asleep on top of a junk boat in the middle of Halong Bay (I clearly have a pattern of sleeping). I caught a mudfish with my bare hands. I fired an AK-47 rifle. I traveled around Ho Chi Minh on the back of motorbikes. I visited temples at sunrise, ate with locals, and met people from all walks of life. It was seriously an amazing trip. But did it change my life? No. What did change my life, however, was the relationship that I was so desperate to get away from. And though I have few positive things to say about it, I will admit that I learned a lot. Because that's the thing - running off to Vietnam or Italy or Timbuktu sounds wonderful, but wonderful holidays with little adversity rarely inspire the sort of growth that Julia promises us. The real growth comes from moments of pain and hardship. 

A few weeks ago, I came across a really interesting podcast where they were talking about a very similar topic. Specifically, they expanded on the idea that you learn the most lessons, sometimes about the world and oftentimes about yourself, when you're struggling or going through some form of adversity. In other words,

"pain is the catalyst for growth"

In the moment, any sort of pain and suffering feels awful, and sometimes it can take months or even years to recover from it, regardless of what it is. But when you're finally out of that bad headspace and are able to look back at what you've experienced, you begin to see it for what it is and you can extract all of the valuable lessons it provided, because some lessons can only be taught when you're at your worst.

Post-Traumatic Growth is the Psychological concept whereby some individuals who encounter a period of traumatic suffering undergo positive "life-changing" psychological shifts in thinking. This growth goes beyond returning to who they were prior to the trauma, meaning that these individuals have the ability to take their pain and use it as the catalyst for intense (positive) emotional and mental changes. It can be difficult to climb back up when you hit rock bottom, especially if you feel confused and alone and unsure of yourself. But it is possible. Not through becoming a meatball or drinking Jungle Juice in Vietnam, but by making a conscious effort to work on yourself, whether that be through seeking help, self-reflection, or creating necessary changes in your life. It definitely won't look like a Julia Roberts movie, but it sure as hell will be a lot better.

            - Loz

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5/21/2020

My Experience as an All-Star Cheerleader

When Netflix's docuseries CHEER was released, I was flooded with messages, compliments, and questions from old friends and colleagues. Why? Because I'm the only cheerleader they know.

Whilst Australia's cheerleading community is anything but small (nationals pulled in 12,000 competitors and a crowd of 18,000 spectators), it isn't very well known across the wider population. These numbers are even smaller when you get down to where I live in the western suburbs of Melbourne. There are multiple reasons for this, including stereotypes perpetuated by movies and popular culture, as well as the general lack of awareness of this sport even existing. However, I am aware that another reason for a lot of girls (and boys) not being able to participate in cheerleading growing up was because not everyone could afford it.

See, cheerleading is an expensive sport. Annually, cheerleading costs me up to 3k a year. Term fees, uniform costs, competition fees, flights and accommodation for any interstate competitions, choreography, and music; it all costs a pretty penny. And if you're going to the national or world championships? Well, that's a whole other ball game that I don't need to get into. On top of all of this, my gym is on the other side of the city from where I live, and I train 3 times a week, though this sometimes increases depending on the time of year. Petrol isn't free, so you do the math.
My point is, cheerleading isn't cheap. And once I got old enough, it was (obviously) my responsibility to pay for my participation in this hobby, which as a full-time student, wasn't easy. I work a lot of nights and weekends, and I had to sacrifice a lot more than people realize to do this sport. But we all do. Being a high-level competitive cheerleader, or high-level athlete of any sport comes with sacrifices.


Being a Flyer

Every cheerleader has a position or role on a team, and each member serves an important purpose. My role, probably the easiest to remember, is the girls they throw into the air. I'm called a flyer, and the girls holding me up are called bases. In layman's terms, my job is to squeeze and contort my body and make everything look good in the air. When I explain this to people for the first time, I usually hear the same questions. "Is it scary?" "Is it fun?" "Do you do twists and flips in the air?" My answer is yes to all of them. However, there's a little more to it than that.

Something that I want to share about flying that isn't really mentioned is that often times, you have no idea what you're about to do. You're frequently being asked to do things that you've never previously done, and nothing can prepare you for the feeling of chucking your body into the air, twisting and flipping in a way that you have never tried before, and expecting somebody below to catch you. Your sense of spatial awareness the first time you're doing a skill is almost non-existent. You may as well be blindfolded.
See, the coaches don't have time to take things through with you step by step. You get told two things: what to do, and then to do it. A lot of the time, they won't tell you exactly what you should expect to feel, how you'll be caught, how you should land, or give you any time to wrap your head around it. There are little safety precautions or measures in this sport other than the arms of a few girls standing at the bottom, and there is very little time for slow progression and steps. You can cry or panic, but in the end, you still have to do it.

My other problem is that I'm scared of heights. And though I feel ridiculous admitting that (it is my job on the team after all), it's something that I frequently struggle with. Sometimes I tear up out of sheer panic of a hard skill, or I'll break a sweat because I just don't understand what I'm being asked to do. I am terrified of heights, and I'm terrified of making mistakes; a terrible formula for a high-level flyer.

So why do I do it?

As selfish and completely inaccurate as this claim may be, most of the time when a team is on the competition floor, spectators aren't looking at the bases. Unless somebody in particular catches your eye, or an athlete draws attention to themselves, chances are, the crowd just isn't staring at them. They're looking at me. Not me specifically, but the flyer. One of the best feelings that I will ever experience is hitting a stunt at the world championships, and hearing a crowd of over 15,000 people cheering. And for a split second while I'm still in the air, my eyes adjust to the lights and I stare at the people in the crowd. And as arrogant as it may come across, even though there are 20 other people on the floor, it feels as though they're cheering for me. The feeling is addictive, and it's indescribable. It's why so many cheerleaders are never ready to retire.

However, this also comes at a cost. When a crowd of 15,000 people are watching you succeed, you're probably the first person they see when something goes wrong. They won't (usually) notice a base messing up the grips or taking a step in the wrong direction. But what they do notice is my head bounce across the floor, or all of the split-second mistakes that I frequently make at multiple points in a routine. They watch me succeed, but they also watch me fail. The whole stunt will be scrutinised and gawked at, but it's my face they'll remember.


Being Part of Team
Team sports are common. Basketball, soccer, netball, all the rest. But cheerleading takes it to another level. There is no such thing as personal space. We need to get super close and personal. A good base is standing chest to chest with their counterpart, breathing each other's air. As a flyer, I have had bases unintentionally shove their fingers up every crevice of my body. A good team of any sport aims to build a level of chemistry and trust within their athletes. However, unlike other team sports, I'm not just trusting them to do their job because I want to win. I'm trusting them to do their job because as I'm being thrown up 10ft in the air, my safety is on the line. I need to trust them.

And I do, I trust those girls with my life.

Looking at it from an unbiased point of view, cheerleading is a weird sport. For 2½ minutes, you are holding and tossing humans up in the air, flipping and twisting across the floor, and contorting your body in ways that it probably shouldn't. You're chucking the most ridiculous and theoretically dangerous stunts and tumble passes, and each year is all about how we can make it harder. And no matter how much you're dying inside, you're smiling at the crowd and trying to make it look fun and easy. You train all year to put a routine on the floor that is over in less than 5 minutes, just for the chance to win a piece of painted metal. No cash prizes, just a medal hanging around your neck. You'll tear a few ligaments, maybe an ACL. Maybe you'll crack a rib or break a nose. You'll get bruised, cut, scratched, concussed, and frequently beaten by a foot to the face. All of this and nobody in the wider Australian population will have any idea of who you are or what you do.

So yeah, It's a weird sport. But god, I love it.

            - Loz

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4/24/2020

Dealing with disappointment

Today marks the day that I was supposed to be competing in the semi-finals of the cheerleading world championships. If everything had gone to plan thus far, last week we would have had the opportunity to train with the California Allstars, one of the most successful cheerleading gyms in the world, over in Camarillo, California. We would have flown to Orlando the day after, eaten copious amounts of breadsticks and four cheese pasta dishes at the Olive Garden, and trained almost daily. Right now I would stink of Bondi Sands tanning mouse and I'd probably be teasing the life out of my hair, getting ready to potentially put one of the best level 5 routines in the world on the competition floor.

But I'm not doing that. Instead, I’m sitting here in my onesie alone in my room, feeling devastated. 

As the entire world is already aware of, a dangerous respiratory virus known as Covid-19 (or Coronavirus) has rapidly spread across 210 countries and territories around the world, subsequently causing a catastrophic worldwide pandemic that has temporarily ceased any outdoor activities, social interaction, international travel, and in my case, competitive sports. In Australia, weddings have been called off, funerals are limited to 5 people, and hospitals are struggling to keep up with the constant influx of sick patients. I am not naive or ignorant enough to believe that the cancellation of my competition is anywhere near as devastating as the other issues that have arisen due to the development of the Coronavirus, but I won't pretend that I'm happy to see everything that my team and I had worked towards not come to fruition. It's hard when things don't go as planned. It just is.

And honestly, I have a history of breaking down when things don’t go to plan. Last year, my teammates and I were sitting in 3rd place at the 2019 world championship grand finals, and in the time it takes to hiccup, a small error was made and it not only knocked us out of the running to take home bronze, but it also took away our opportunity of making history as the first all-female Australian team to place top three at the world championships. One second, that's all it took. Things didn't go to plan. And to be honest, they rarely do.

That was the biggest lesson I took away from that year. 

Was it an easy lesson to learn? Absolutely not. The loss resulted in a full-fledged breakdown, and I was coerced by my mother to talk to a counsellor to help me find healthy coping mechanisms. I was a mess for a long time, but admittedly, talking to a professional did eventually help because she taught me how to deal with life's inevitable disappointments, and how to adjust to plan B.

Here are a few lessons I've learnt over time,

1. It is okay to grieve the loss of what you thought was to be

You're allowed to be disappointed. You're allowed to cry and stomp your feet a little. God knows I did, and you can too. You're only human.

2. Accept what you can and can't control
This one is super important, because even when things happen that are out of my control, I take the weight of it on my shoulders and behave as though it reflects on me. But truthfully, there are forces outside of myself that influence and shape outcomes. I can't waste time dwelling on things that I have no control over. All I can do is focus on my own behaviours and actions.

3. Assess other options, and get planning
The beautiful thing about life is that you have options. There is always an alternative way of achieving something, and there is always a pathway to get there. Whilst it would have been great for things to work out the first time, it doesn't mean that it's necessarily your best or only option. There is always more than one solution to a problem, so when shit hits the fan, assess other options and get planning. 

4. Remind yourself that you eventually end up where you need to be

I am a firm believer in this and I think about it a lot. The friendships, experiences and skills I have accumulated and developed since the 2019 world championships are invaluable and will stay with me forever. The gains far outweighed any losses I sustained, and truthfully, I don't regret my 2019 worlds experience because, despite all of the bullshit that followed, I wouldn't be where I am today.

Like I said earlier, very rarely do things actually go to plan. You fail, your anxiety gets the better of you, you make mistakes, or perhaps there's a worldwide pandemic. Whatever the reason is, learn to cope with it and build from it. It's not to be ignored, it's there to remind you that you are alive, you are only human, and this is life. If things go wrong, try try try again.

        - Loz

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4/14/2020

Battle of the Barbie: I spent 9 hours watching and ranking Barbie films so you don't have to

The early 2000s were simpler times. It was an era of low waisted jeans, Motorola flip phones, So Fresh CD’s and, for those that enjoyed taking a risk, Limewire. But for babies like me, it was the origin of an entire franchise of direct-to-disc Barbie films. So yesterday, I made the controversial yet brave decision to venture back in time and spend 9 hours watching six of the original Barbie movies and subsequently share my thoughts with you.

A lot of research went into the decision of choosing which six films to watch (currently 36 direct-to-disc Barbie movies have been produced since 2001), and upon watching and reading various personal reviews from other Barbie-buffs, I decided that I would stick with the original six, regardless of how high or low they had been ranked by others.

As I write this, I’m tired. I've developed a migraine stemming from the copious amount of screen exposure I endured to meet my quota for the day. Initially, I didn't think I could do it, but I labored and toiled and unraveled confusing Barbie plots for 9 hours straight and now finally, here we are:

A definitive ranking of the OG Barbie films, from worst to best.

6th place: Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus

The film is about a princess who goes off in search of the “wand of light”, which is apparently the only thing that can defeat the evil villain known as Wenlock who has turned her village to stone.

Straight off the bat, the storyline was so weak that halfway through the movie, I forgot why they were on the adventure in the first place. More annoying was Annika’s pet baby polar bear that she picked up whilst ice skating (makes total sense) who accompanies her everywhere. Allow me to say that I have never been so infuriated by an animal sidekick, and that I spent the entire 88 minutes of the film hoping it would yeet itself off the flying Pegasus.

Finally, Wenlock was a terrible villain. His voice and mannerisms were irritating, and he came across as an incel who dealt with rejection by destroying everybody’s lives. Additionally, they gave no backstory as to why he is the way he is.

Ultimately, the poor storyline was the worst part, seconded only by the stupid fucking bear.

5th place: Barbie in the Nutcracker

Please don’t come for me, I knew this decision would stir controversy. But truthfully, I really wasn’t grabbed by the movie.

This film was loosely based off Tchaïkovsky’s classic ballet storyline, whereby a young Clara is gifted a wooden nutcracker doll for Christmas, and upon falling asleep, she “wakes up” to find a battle commencing between her beloved nutcracker and the evil mouse king, who currently holds a violent reign over Parthenia (a miniature land that can be accessed through a mousehole). Most of the supporting characters were pretty irritating, meaning that Barbie and the Nutcracker pretty much had to carry the entire film on their backs, and due to it being the first film in the franchise, the animation was fairly poor. I admit that it was a sweet and wholesome film, but despite the constant influx of nostalgia, I just didn’t feel attached to the storyline like I wanted to, though I understand much of the story follows the premise of the original nutcracker. Is that poor Barbie’s fault? No. If anybody, Tchaïkovsky probably needs a good talking to. But since he’s not around anymore, that means that Barbie suffers the full brunt of the poor review. Sorry Barbs, maybe next time.

4th place: Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses

To say I had super low expectations for this film would be an understatement. A movie about twelve sisters who found a secret world under their bedroom that they could only access through the power of dance? Give me a break. Even for Barbie, this made me roll my eyes. But honestly, it wasn’t even that awful. It felt a lot like what you imagine a random Barbie movie to be like: Okay, but a little disappointing. And perhaps most importantly, the music and dance scenes didn't impress me at all. This was incredibly disappointing considering dancing is literally what half of the movie is about. 

I previously mentioned my deep-rooted hatred for talking animals or pets that serve absolutely no purpose to Barbie films, and the stupid parrot and monkey in this movie take the cake. They made my blood boil. I felt violated. @Barbie, enough is enough.

In a nutshell, there weren't any major plot or character issues in this movie, I just didn't love it. But I didn't hate it either. Eh.

3rd place: Princess and the Pauper

Did anyone tell you it’s a musical? No? Well, no one told me either, and maybe they should have. In the opening scene, I was blindsided by what felt like a 15-minute musical number about "wanting to be free" and I subsequently didn't recover until about halfway through the film. 

Apart from all of the singing, it really is a cinematic masterpiece. There was an elaborate and detailed plot, a wide range of characters with their own complex storylines and problems, and a cunning (albeit sometimes annoying) villain with comedic henchmen. It almost didn’t even feel like a Barbie film. It was good. Really good in fact. And I plan to watch this again in the future to re-evaluate. But was it as good as what everybody says? No. And I blame the talking cats and dogs and the copious amounts of singing. Perhaps for my musical lovers out there, this may just be enough to take gold for you. But for now, it’ll have to settle for a very close third place.

2nd place: Barbie as Rapunzel

This was tough. This was one of my favourite films growing up, so I had to make a real effort to remove the bias whilst reviewing, and though it still is MY favourite, it is, objectively speaking, 2nd best. 

It’s the classic Barbie film based on a classic storyline that we all know and love. A pretty girl with long blonde hair is locked up in a tower after being stolen away from her parents by an evil witch. Standard. However, with the help of a magic paintbrush, Barbie is able to create portals to secretly escape the castle and venture out to the village where she eventually meets and falls in love with Prince Stefan.

The music in this film is #underrated. If you didn't know, this movie featured the London Symphony Orchestra, so Barbie definitely knows how to pull some strings. It makes the movie even more magic, and the violin alone almost brought a tear to my eye on multiple occasions. Also, the scene where she paints herself the perfect dress for the ball STILL gives me goosebumps.

One major plot issue I have trouble with is Rapunzel’s magic paintbrush. It was initially a hairbrush that just magically turned into a paintbrush halfway through the film. Why? How? I really don’t know.

Surprisingly, I found the cast of animal sidekicks in this film quite endearing (big call). Penelope the dragon seemed to cause more problems than she solved, however, along with the old-man rabbit, Penelope's father, and the oddly effeminate ferret who snitches on everyone, they were probably the least annoying animal sidekicks across the entire franchise.

But despite all of this, I know deep down that it lacked major plot twists and elaborate storylines that would have easily taken it to the next level. Rapunzel, I'll always love you.

1st place: Barbie of Swan Lake

The cream of the crop. The crowning jewel of Barbie films. I give you Barbie of Swan Lake. What can I say? Another film loosely based off a Tchaïkovsky ballet, Swan Lake was everything the Nutcracker wishes it was and more. Our leading lady, Odette, stumbles across an enchanted forest where its inhabitants are placed under an evil curse by Rothbart that turns them into animals by day, only allowing them to attain their human form by night. 

The dance scenes shook me to my core, I loved the backstory behind the Villain's motives, and similarly to the Princess and the Pauper, it showcased an excellent array of characters. The villains, voiced by actors otherwise known as Kelsey Grammar from Frasier and Janice from Friends, are the antagonists you never asked for but deep down always needed.

Truthfully, it isn't so much a good film as it is a beautifully orchestrated masterpiece that belongs up there with The Titanic, Gone With the Wind, and every Tarantino film ever.

I have not a bad word to say about this film. Barbie, you have done it again.

This post is probably going to be one of those things that I should have left in my folder with all the other documents that will never see the light of day. Or who knows, maybe this is just the beginning and I'll review more movie franchises in the future. Either way, I hope it was worth ruining the value of my blog over.

            - Loz

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2/23/2020

21 Life Lessons in 21 Years of Life

Another year has passed and as of today, I am another year older. Yes, I have finally hit the ripe old age of 21, which means that it's time to start thinking about retirement funds, menopause, and getting those damn kids off my lawn.

*cue crying* 

Just kidding, I didn't cry (this year) because it has actually been the best 12 months of my life and I have grown a lot in such a brief period of time. In fact, upon reflection of my life up until this point, I think it is fair to say that I have acquired a great deal of knowledge and wisdom over the last 21 years. And truthfully, it seems only selfish to keep it all to myself when all two of you who read this blog are obviously so eager to hear about it.

21 life lessons in 21 years of life

1. It's 100% okay to say no

If you don't actually want to do something, don't. Same goes for partying. Same goes for hanging with a certain type of group, choosing a specific career pathway in life or being a person you don't want to be. The average life span is 82 years of age. Don't spend it doing shit you don't want to do.

2. But also don't be afraid to say yes

Say yes to new opportunities. Job opportunities that you're not sure whether you're qualified for or amazing life experiences you're not sure will be worth the time. Say yes to trying food you've never eaten, going out when you’ve spent too many Saturdays at home, hanging out with a new group of people and to travel to cities you've never seen. It's okay to say no, but, remember to also say yes.

3. Rock bottom is a good place to start

Sometimes, shit just goes bad. You get fired from your job. You fail. You lose someone you love. You fail again. You feel alone. Whatever rock bottom is or was for you, it only serves as a temporary foundation to build up from. Land. Cry a little. Stand up. Dust yourself off. Then get building.

4. In your world, the world really does revolve around you

It does. If your world doesn't revolve around you, then who the fuck does it revolve around? YOU need to be YOUR number one priority, and you have to do what you need to do to take care of yourself first.

5. You don't have to say I love you to say I love you.

But don't forget to say it when you can.

6. Grab the bull by the horns and enjoy the ride

Write your book. Start your online business. Apply for that job. Leave your old one. Travel. Sing. Run away to join the circus. Release the demo. Learn the trombone. Whatever it is that fills your heart with joy simply from the thought of doing it, that's what you need to be doing. Why waste your time doing something that doesn't make you happy? Your world is your fucking oyster. The possibilities for life are practically endless. Choose an option you love, run towards it headfirst with passion and don't look back.

7. Indecision is a decision within itself

You're going to have to make some tough decisions. Decisions that will make you feel anxious and that make you uncomfortable. Choosing to ignore the issue or question at hand because you "don't want to have to deal with it right now" is a decision in itself. You've chosen to remain irresolute, and thus, you will have to accept the repercussions. Don't gamble it and let chance take control of your life. Be a big kid and take control of it yourself, or else you're going to end up in a place you didn't wanna be in. 

8. You become that with which you surround yourself with

It's true when they say one rotten apple spoils the whole bunch. The same can be said for people. If you surround yourself with a group of people, or perhaps just one individual, that is negative, tears you down, or constantly makes you feel inferior or sad, you will become a product of them. If you notice this happening, take a step back, re-evaluate their importance in your life, and maybe start thinking about surrounding yourself with people that build you the fuck up instead. 

9. Recognise yourself as the great person you are, but always be a work-in-progress

Finding the balance of acknowledging what an accomplished and driven young person I am and also understanding that I have so far to go to be the ultimate version of myself keeps me motivated, happy and busy. I'm never going to attain perfection or be the best; I know I'm not. But that's just fine, because it's not about reaching the top, it’s about the chase to get there. And I absolutely love every second of it

10. Raise the bar a little

If you find yourself begging somebody for as little as respect, a response, clarity, or time together, move on. You may not realise it now, but what you're begging for and driving yourself crazy over is the bare minimum. It's ridiculous and beneath you.

11. Learn to get rejected

Whether it is by crushes, friends, jobs, family, goals, coaches, or random people who think it’s a good idea to give their opinion when it was never asked for, you are going to get rejected. Get good at it. Learn to take the rejection and run with it and move on to the next one, whatever it is.

12. Learn how to apply false lashes

It’s just important to learn. Okay?

13. Being great is never easy

If it were, you’d see a lot of successful people walking around. But you don’t. Instead, you see a lot of people making excuses. If you want to be great, stop making excuses and start making things happen.

14. Make the most of where you’re at

We are constantly looking forward to the future, forgetting that where we are now is a place we were once looking forward to. Have hopes and dreams for the future but make the most of the present and enjoy the moment.

15. Don't compare paths

Competing at the world championships a couple of times has pushed back my degree and my career, and sometimes it really bothers me that I won’t be at the same milestones as everybody else. But I’m not everybody else, and nobody else is living my life! Those things will eventually happen for me. Maybe not right now, but they will one day. I can have and be and do everything, but not all at once, and definitely not at 21. Focus on the path that you’re taking, and don’t worry about what everybody else’s looks like.

16. Listen to the way your “friends” talk about other people

Because chances are they’re talking about you the same way

17. Travel Travel Travel

My best memories are from riding on the back of motorcycles in Vietnam, moshing it in Disneyland at 12am, getting drenched on a boat tour in Niagara Falls, or scuba diving through the Great Barrier Reef. You won’t find these experiences in the western suburbs of Melbourne. Book a ticket, leave, and enjoy what the world has to offer.

18. You’re never too young to start thinking about skincare

Prevention is better than cure.

19. Being alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely

Being lonely has very little to do with how many people you’re surrounded by and more to do with who you’re surrounding yourself with. Find comfort in being alone, and learn to be happy with your own company.

20. If you stress before it happens, you're putting yourself through it twice

There’s no point stressing about something that hasn’t even happened yet. All we can do is focus on what we can control leading up to it and our attitudes once we get there.

21. It’s okay to have fears, but don’t let them hold you back

Anyone who knows me is well aware that I’m scared of a lot of shit. However, a lot of the things I’m scared of often coincide with goals that I have. And whilst I’m not chucking myself out of planes just yet, it doesn’t mean I never will. Allow yourself to feel fear (since it's a normal emotional response) but don’t let it stop you from doing what you want to do for the rest of your life. Enjoy the thrill of stepping out of your comfort zone.

I know what you’re thinking, “Lauren, how on earth do you manage to walk around with such a massive head full of so much goddamn wisdom?” Honestly, I have no idea.

    - Loz

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11/19/2019

An open letter to my best friends

An open letter to my best friends.

I already find this first line funny. Here’s why:

I am somebody who enjoys measuring a lot of things in time. I love comparing myself now to who I was a month, a year, or even two years ago. I find it interesting to see how I’ve grown, how I’ve changed, and sometimes, how I’ve spiralled. It’s very easy to get lost in your own little world and to forget where you are and where you've come from.

I guess that’s why I find the first line almost ironic. Because I think about myself now, writing this letter to the friends that I have surrounded myself with over the last few years that have become the sisters I (definitely) didn’t ask for but definitely needed. And then I compare this version to my former self who, in both high school and primary school, very much struggled with making and keeping friends.

Though I may not seem like it (I can act like a bit of a dickhead around people I’m comfortable with), I am quite a naturally introverted person. I get uncomfortable in a lot of social situations, I enjoy my alone time, and for a number of years, I never quite got the hang of knowing how to act around different people. I always felt as though I was an interesting toy with little quirks that people would be fascinated by and infatuated with for a few months, and once they realised that I didn’t really offer anything else, they eventually got bored and left. It was like clockwork. Even when I found myself within groups in high school, it was always the elephant in the room that I was on the outer. I struggled with this concept for a very long time, always wishing to find my "person."

And in 2017, I did. In fact, I met a handful. And now I cannot get enough of any of you.

As mentioned in a previous post, I graduated from high school in 2016. I was a good student, able to cruise through year 12 with a score that allowed me to get into the degree of choice with minimal effort. I had just begun a high level of cheerleading and I was managing to balance it well. I was happy. In 2017, the mood quickly shifted as I entered into my first real relationship.

I don’t care to go into great detail about what happened, for both his privacy and for my own. However, I feel the need to at least explain its effect on my own mental health for context. And, let me start off by saying it was the most chaotic 18 months of my life.

By May 2018, I was on the verge of being suicidal. I couldn’t leave my bed. I recall pulling over on the side of a dimly lit road with my car pointing out over the line just hoping that somebody would miscalculate and hit me. I came home every night screaming. I kept a diary for the final 5 months of the relationship, and in my second-to-last entry, I wrote;

"I had always thought that he was the issue. But what if it was me causing all of this? I feel so fucking lonely, but he keeps saying I'm imagining everything in my head. I think I'm going crazy."

Being lonely is a peculiar thing because it has very little to do with the number of people you’re surrounded by and more to do with who you’re surrounding yourself with. In 2017-2018, I had built a wall around myself and this relationship that I was in, believing that if I put all of my energy into this one area of my life, something positive had to change. But as a friend once said, my partner took away my solitude yet offered me no companionship. I had always experienced bouts of loneliness in high school due to constantly feeling like a wallflower within my own group. However, this was a level of emotional isolation that I had never experienced before and I didn’t know how to handle it. But the only thing that kept me sane and kept me driving straight on the road was (more or less) the girls in my photo.

I can’t count and recall everything that they did for me in that period of time. But I am talking to you girls directly now, and I cannot stress this enough:

You saved my life.

You literally carried me when I physically could not walk. You bombarded me with a million messages over the span of 18 months asking me if I was okay, or if I needed a lift, or to talk, or just to have company. I never noticed, but I gradually and unintentionally became a mean and cold person to my friends and family. But every single day, you copped it on the chin and kept chipping away at this wall that I built around myself to keep everybody out. A lot of people, understandably, dropped out of my life throughout the entire ordeal because they couldn't understand my personality change. My own parents even struggled to understand what was happening. But you girls stayed. And you understood.

It’s common knowledge that I love my cheerleading team. I have been offered a spot on one of the best co-ed teams in the world by my head coach on a number of occasions, and each time, I rejected the offer and stayed on the team I was on. People thought I was crazy passing up on this seemingly "amazing" opportunity. I gave a number of excuses at the time, but the truth is that I felt compelled to stay with my friends. I owe you girls my life because you saved it. Simple as that.

I don’t think I have ever said that to you in person, and maybe it’s because I’m not good at talking or maybe it’s because I’m a pussy. Probably both. But I need you to hear it now because as I lay next to my current boyfriend whom I love very much, extremely happy and grateful for where I currently am in life, I feel the need to thank you as I am genuinely not sure if I would still be here without you.

I love each and every one of you. All of you.

            - Loz (AKA, big John)

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